Naruto and the Magic Wang
by krizzlybear
Summary: Naruto prepares for the Chunin Exams with a powerful magic wand he previously discovered. Unfortunately, My Microsoft Word got hacked, causing all instances of wand to be autocorrected to wang . As a result, rated T for language. R


Disclaimer – I don't own the Naruto franchise, or any of its characters and original plots

Author's Note – Something's wrong with my Microsoft Word; whenever I type in w-a-n-d, the program auto-corrects it as if I were meant to type in w-a-n-g. I tried resetting the defaults, but I think it's hacked or something. I hope this doesn't affect the story in any way. I apologize for the inconvenience.

It was the same old weekday afternoon routine for Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke. Jog a few kilometres, do a few hundred push-ups and sit-ups, but most gruesome of all, running up and down the Hokage Mountain fifty to sixty times. If they really wanted to be Chunin, they would have to work hard for that title.

Naruto, unlike other days, was especially tired after the twenty-third trip up the landmark. He decided to take a short breather, and restlessly wandered through the wooded area at the mountain's peak. He sat lazily amongst a cluster of low-growing shrubs that grew on a nice spot overlooking the village. He was content beyond satisfaction.

However, something seemed to bother the whisker-cheeked boy. He heard a strange rustling noise, as if he were being followed.

"Sasuke, was that you-tebayo?" he asked. No reply.

He began to creep cautiously back into the forest to investigate the mysterious sound. He came to a gradual stop as he discovered its origin. Naruto stood in curiosity as he looked at the cause right in front of him. It was something he had never seen in his journeys, and he was in awe of its interesting form. He read stories of powerful individuals who wielded such an item, and thought, maybe he could be like them. He made closer inspections to confirm the item's identity.

It was a plain, old, magic wang.

"Sugoi-tebayo!" he exclaimed. He picked up the wooden thing, and ran towards the cliff's edge, declaring his discovery to the whole world.

"PEOPLE OF KONOHA! I HAVE FOUND A MAGIC WANG!"

His decree was loud. Nearly every inhabitant of the Hidden Leaf Village stood still, wondering where the noise came from.

Neji, who was vigorously sparring with his uncle, heard Naruto's yelling.

"Hmph." He said, "stupid dropout. How is he going to defeat me in the Chunin exams with such an insignificant little wang?"

Naruto, who was still at the top of the mountain, happily ran down its side, meeting up with Sasuke and Sakura, who were impatiently waiting for his arrival. Sasuke Uchiha, the lone survivor of his clan (other than his fearsome brother), was unimpressed with Naruto's characteristic energetic disposition.

"Dobe." Sasuke deeply grunted, "You're too slow."

Sakura Haruno, the dainty femme of the trio, was in sheer awe of Sasuke's shrewd criticism of his teammate. She was obviously in love with him, and never had her affections returned. All she could do was support him.

"Yeah, baka!" She snorted, "We spend half an hour waiting for you, and you come running in late with a wang in your hand!"

Sakura was beaming. She could instantly feel the glimmer of hope that grew as she outwardly supported the Uchiha prodigy by putting Naruto down. The alter ego inside her psyche was more energetic about the matter.

_HELL YEAH!!! GIVE HIM YOUR WORST, SASUKE-KUN!!!_

Alas, the boy who contained the demon-fox chakra was unfazed. He did not lose his sense of accomplishment.

"Sasuke-teme!!" Naruto exclaimed, "With this magic wang I found, I will definitely beat you in combat one day, dattebayo!"

The only response he got was a plain "Hn."

Before further arguments in the group escalated, their nonchalant leader, Kakashi Hatake, appeared before them from above, sitting on a tree branch and reading his usual literature. Despite his tardy nature and well-hid face, it was a more of a mystery to the three genin as to why their trainer always read books, and what _kind_ of books he was reading.

"Yo." He casually said, raising his free hand.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto yelped, clenching one hand into a fist, and the other firmly onto his newfound wang, "I found a magic wang! And I'm going to use it to pass the Chunin exams-tebayo!"

"Don't get cocky," Kakashi said, "weapons aren't the be-all and end-all to shinobi combat. Just because you have power from a simple little thing like that doesn't mean enemies won't come and try to grab your wang for themselves."

"Understood, Kakashi-sensei!"

That was the last the four had spoken of the mysterious wang that afternoon.

After a few rounds of sparring with his teammates, Naruto was walking home from the training grounds, considering the type of powers he'd gain from using his wang.

"I wonder if it truly makes me stronger-tebayo…"

Remembering the stories he'd read about magicians and wizards, he remembered reading books about a boy who entered a far-away academy to learn about sorcery and casting spells. Considering the nature of his wang, he tried to mimic the incantations he'd read from those books.

"Alohamora!" He said, as he waved his wang around. Nothing happened.

"Petrificus Totalus!" He yelled, as he raised his wang over his head. Nothing happened.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" He bellowed, as he shook his wang violently. Nothing.

He began to lose hope. Maybe it was broken. Concluding that it was indeed a defective wang, he resolved himself to fix it as soon as he entered his home.

He looked around for things that might be able to make his wang work. He held his wang over the sink, and began to scrub it with soap. Maybe it was dirty. It didn't work. He browsed through his cabinets, finding a can of table polish. He read the contents.

For use on wooden objects. For maximum shine, apply spray, and wipe vigorously with a cloth for two minutes.

His wang was mahogany, and about twelve inches long. It was lengthier than most wangs he'd see on television. Nonetheless, it was an authentic-looking shaft of wood, so he decided to try using the polish.

Naruto sprayed the contents of the can at his wang, not missing a single orifice, and wrapped a cloth around it. He began to stroke slowly, in hopes of activating its powers. As he continued to writhe his hand back and forth, he began to feel the magical sensation from his wang. It seemed to be working, so he didn't stop. He continued to rub his wang up and down, and the sensations began to grow in intensity. It was hardly thirty seconds, and he could feel that he would activate his wang uncharacteristically soon.

Naruto was excited at the sensations nonetheless, and concluded that not having to polish his wang for the whole two minutes was a good thing. His strokes were stronger now, and he could definitely feel the energy emanating from his wang. As he gripped the base of his wang tightly, he put all his energy into rubbing it with his other hand as fast as his limits could handle. The sensation was at its highest point, and suddenly magical energy bursted out from the tip of his wang. It shot out in white bolts, and as the projectiles of energy collided with the walls of his kitchen, he stared at awe of its power.

"This is definitely going to come in handy." Naruto concluded, as let go of his wang, tucked it away, and began to repair the damage in his kitchen walls.

The Chunin selection exam had arrived, and Naruto, with his wang, was confident that he would pass the entire test. He sat in the exam room with all the other genin. Hinata Hyuuga, a classmate of his, sat next to him timidly.

Hinata always loved Naruto, even before he found his wang. She believed in his strength and determination to prove others wrong, and used his strength to fortify her own. But today, during the written exam, she had noticed something else.

"N-N-Naruto-kun…" Hinata whimpered lightly.

"Eh?" Naruto said, as he turned to look at her. As his eyes met hers, a flush of crimson suddenly covered the Hyuuga's face.

"N-n-ne, Naruto-kun…" She continued, "w-what's that thing you're holding?"

"Oh!" Naruto responded ecstatically, "This is my wang! I found it in the woods one day! It makes me really strong-tebayo! Would you like to see it?"

He reached out to Hinata with his wang, inviting her to touch it. She was hesitant at first, but inwardly, she did not want to miss such an opportunity. Hinata reached out her hand, and placed it onto Naruto's wang. Intrigued by its composition, she began to pet it, to get a feel of its vein-like texture.

"I-it's a real nice looking wang, Naruto-kun." Hinata said, blushing.

"Thanks!"

The written test soon began. Looking at the first nine questions, Naruto was stunned. He could never be able to answer these questions, and thought that all the other genin would be stuck as well. He took a risk, and decided that maybe his wang will help him solve the mysterious tenth question.

The exam invigilator, Ibiki Morino soon gave out the instructions for the tenth question.

"Listen up, worms!" He said, in his intimidating interrogative tone. "The last question is perhaps the most difficult question on the exam! You have a choice of taking it, or dropping the test to take it next year. If you decide to take the final question, you run the risk of not qualifying to participate in the Chunin exams _ever again_!"

Many students were intimidated by the proposition, and began to forfeit their tests. Naruto, however, did not budge.

"HA! I'M NOT SCARED!" Naruto bellowed out. "AS LONG AS I HAVE MY WANG, NOTHING CAN STOP ME FROM EVER BECOMING HOKAGE SOMEDAY!"

His classmates were in awe of his confidence, as he stood up erect with his wang in tight grip. They were poised to remain in the exams as well. As a result, they all passed.

As the genin headed out for the second stage of the exam, Ibiki looked at Naruto's empty test paper.

"Hrm. He didn't answer a single question." He noted, "This Naruto is an interesting guy. He's got an interesting-looking wang, too."

Naruto, with his wang of a million different uses, began to walk around the Forest of Death in a sporadic, unorthodox fashion.

"Dobe, what are you doing?" Asked the Uchiha.

"Can't you see?" replied Naruto, "I'm using my wang as a divining rod!"

"Aa."

Sakura and Sasuke could only watch in confusion as Naruto's wang was pulling him in different directions. It led Naruto to an empty spot in the forest, and pointed downwards at a soft patch of dirt.

"My wang tells us to dig here."

And they dug. Naruto used his wang to scrape out the dirt and dust that was covering what was buried underneath. With a final grunt, Naruto wedged a scroll out of the ground with his sturdy wang.

"Oh my god! Naruto, you actually did it, baka!" said Sakura, ecstatic. It was the precise type of scroll that they were looking for.

In celebration the trio made haste to the central tower located in the very centre of the forest. Sakura handed her team's scrolls to the Jonin invigilating the exam. They agreeably accepted the scrolls. Naruto's team finished the challenge in record time.

'_Wow'_, thought Sakura. '_It's all because of Naruto's wang that we were able to make it.'_

_HELL YEAH!!! NARUTO'S WANG IS GREAT!!! _Her inner-self concurred.

At that point, Sakura began to look at Naruto in a different way. She was deeply and genuinely impressed at the powers of Naruto's wang, and wondered why Sasuke didn't have a wang like that. Like what most girls her age would do, Sakura quickly changed her mind about liking Sasuke. She instead devoted her entire being to Naruto and his extraordinary wang. Just thinking about Naruto's wang sent relentless shivering sensations down Sakura's spine.

The last of the genin teams arrived. For the last part of the test, the remaining individuals were paired up against each other for preliminary matches. These battles would determine their place in the final tournament, the one that would determine their worthiness of the title of Chunin.

Sasuke, confident in his power, was shaken inside by the potential of Naruto's wang. It was enough for him to personally recognize Naruto as nearly an equal.

"I look forward to fighting you and your wang," Sasuke confessed. Naruto responded in kind.

Naruto was paired up against Kabuto, a mysterious medic-nin. Before they even started fighting, Kabuto forfeited the match.

"I'm sorry," Kabuto exclaimed, "I cannot fight someone with such an intimidating weapon like your wang! I give up!"

The forfeit seemed peculiar to Naruto. He had met Kabuto earlier in the exams, and considered the possibility that he had an ulterior motive. Naruto concluded that he had evil intentions, probably to try and steal his wang. Naruto was intent on not letting that happen.

Sasuke easily qualified for the next round, but Sakura failed to move on. She remained supportive of her teammates, even though her own match displayed her great improvement as a kunoichi. Inside, she knew that Naruto was impressed, and hopefully she would be closer to him and his wang.

The remaining participants were given a month of preparation before the final matches would begin.

Naruto, Sasuke, and several other Chunin hopefuls were gathered in the middle of a grand coliseum. They were paired up once again for the final part of their exam. Each combatant drew a number for random pairing. Neji Hyuuga would be Naruto's next opponent.

The other genin left the arena, with Naruto and Neji facing off in the centre of the stadium. Neji stood tall with boundless confidence. Naruto was erect with his trusty twelve-inch wang in his right hand.

The fight began. The Hyuuga prodigy activated his Byakugan; he could see the inner workings of Naruto's wang. If he could cover the hole in the wang, then Naruto wouldn't be able to shoot magical energy out of it.

Neji tried to deliver a blow to Naruto's wang. It was ineffective, as Naruto detected his opponent's attack and strategically decided to keep his distance. Naruto didn't want Neji's gentle fist to touch the tip of his wang.

The entire match was a struggle between Neji's aggressive attempts to disable Naruto's wang hole and Naruto's dodging abilities and attempts to get his wang to work. Unlike the first time magic shot out of his wang, Naruto had to concentrate harder each time. What he needed was a distraction. As such, he came up with a plan.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" Naruto chanted. He created hundreds of clones that surrounded Neji. At once, they all began to hide behind different obstacles in the arena. Naruto hid inside a bush, while Neji began searching.

Finally alone, Naruto began trying to get his wang to work. He rubbed it hard like last time, but it took much longer to reach that magical threshold that allowed his wang to shoot out energy. With Neji walking around eliminating the shadow clones, it would be only a matter of time before Naruto would get caught manipulating his wang. As Neji creeped closer to him, Naruto began to fluster and panic about getting his wang to shoot in time. At the limits of his stress, Naruto jumped out and put all his energy into his wang. The wang reacted to this, and shot a white streak of magical energy at Neji.

Neji took the shot from the rear, and collapsed onto the floor.

"HA! I got you from behind, dattebayo!" Naruto cheered, "I win!"

The audience cheered in reaction to the astonishing display of wang-wielding. Naruto instantly became a favourite among the spectators.

Genma Shiranui, the official referee of the main matches, jumped in to declare the victor. However, at that moment, A masked figure sitting beside the Hokage revealed himself, and killed the Hokage. Explosions could be heard from all across the borders of Konoha.

The sound had invaded. They were after Naruto's wang.

Author's Notes

As you can see, because I can't fix my auto-correct, the story is much different than it really is. I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.

Stay tuned for the concluding half of the story: Destruction of Konoha, Search for Tsunade, and Sasuke retrieval arcs!


End file.
